Crippling Shyness   Crippling Shyness Has Ruined My Life

Fuck, I absolutely hate my relatives. My aunt was just off the phone to my mum accusing me of being ‘rude’ just because I won’t engage in small-talk with her when I’m with her on holidays and so on. I get this shit a lot from people who should know better.

I am not a rude person, I just don’t know what to say to people at the best of times. I’m of the opinion that if I have nothing worthwhile to say, then I won’t say it all. I certainly won’t be directly rude towards a person as I know how much that can hurt people deep inside.

I stand by my shyness. I can’t help who I am and I’m not prepared to change for anyone, lest not someone who is not even willing to try to understand.

I used to think that alcohol helped my shyness as it would allow me to communicate with people when I was out at the bar. However my so-called friends would ring me up next day and describe to me just how awfully drunk I was and how much crap I was talking to all of the people in the bar.

Whenever I hear this my stomach sinks and I realize that I’ve become a phony just like everyone else. The shame will then stop me from going out for the next few months. I can justify this by telling myself that I’m much better than everyone else in society but secretly I know it’s because these people are so much better than I am.

Thankfully I’ve stopped drinking now as it’s a horrible habit and it causes more problems than it helps solve.

Whenever I’m at the restroom, I’m simply unable to have a pee if there is anyone in the urinals right beside me. I’m terrified that they will be laughing at the absurd noises that my body produces when I’m ready to secrete waste. I’m mortified when I hear the noises and smells they produce when they’re in their cubicle too.

Even if the cubicle was thicker than the Berlin Wall, I’d still be unable to go. The worst thing is occasionally I’ll think I’ll be able to pass something into the toilet, then my heart will start racing with excitement until it subsides again and I just have this general feeling of disappointment.

Sometimes I wish I had no shame like everyone else on this messed up planet. That I could crap my brains out in the restroom without having to care what other people think.

I’ve tried this technique before and all I got at the end was a headache. Seriously, I didn’t realize I was gullible until now. The meditation CD was just comprised of new age whale music. How is that meant to solve a problem that is so deeply ingrained within someone? All it’s done is help make me believe that there is no cure at all for shyness and that I will be eternally afflicted with this cancer until my death.

Or maybe I’m just unable to meditate. When the CD asked me to ‘make my mind still’ thoughts raced inside my brain.

I don’t think meditation even really exists. The people who do ‘perform’ it are probably only asleep. Or fooling themselves. I’ll never be suckered into believing any of that new age crap.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m awful when I’m with just one person as well. I particularly hate being with a group. People’s personalities can change so much in such a short space of time as they try to fit into the group by adopting the mob mentality and it totally sucks.

People are so shallow. Why can’t they be themselves all of the time, instead of changing for other people. It’s as if these people have sold their soul just to get on with people better.

To be honest, I’m starting to think that’s what I’m gonna have to do if I want to make it past 30.  I can’t continue to be this reclusive, it’s not healthy. In fact I think I’m slowly becoming insane here.

I’ve been unemployed for an absolute age, which isn’t so bad as starting a new job is about as appealing as being kicked in the face by a horse to me. Whenever I’ve started in previous jobs, I’ve always encountered the same awkward silences and phony conversations as I’ve got to know my new colleagues. Why can’t people be straight with each other and just admit that they don’t want to talk to each other? It would make our lives so much easier.

We shouldn’t have to talk to anyone we don’t want to. That should be the golden rule in our society. We’re basically taught to be social lepers from kindergarten onwards!

So I’ve sworn never to get another job, unless it’s something solitary like working in a mortuary. Even then I’d probably be too shy to approach the dead. Christ I suck so much

I hate these happy-go-lucky freaks who think that there’s an actual cure for shyness. This isn’t the case and even if there was a cure, it certainly wouldn’t be going outside. In my experience going outside has been the root cause of all of my problems. Whenever I step outside I’m immediately set upon by all of the intellectual cripples in society, out to flush out the martyrs who are there seemingly just to take the brunt of their scorn.

As I’ve said before I’ve come to terms with my shyness. It’s who I am. Why should I try to be otherwise? Besides, other people are hell.

I guess the good thing about Emo rock music is that it teaches children nowadays that it’s OK to be shy. Back when I was a kid, this wasn’t the case. I was such a loner in school it wasn’t funny. I had absolutely no friends and the only ‘thing’ I could talk to was my locker. That’s right. I was that alone that I was reduced to speaking to inanimate objects. Christ how sad am I?

Whenever a teacher asked me a question, I refused to even speak up. Most of the other kids were surprised I could even talk when I was forced to in class. Fuck I hated all of that shit. I’m so glad it’s over, but it doesn’t get any easier.

Christ I’m so shy it’s unbearable. I haven’t had a boyfriend in an eternity and I’m tired of being alone (even though I still officially hate everyone).

I just don’t have the strength to ask anyone out. I’ve known this one boy for ages and he’s amazing. Never met anyone like him before. How the hell am I meant to express any sort of interest towards him when I feel like vomiting when I’m around him? I don’t mean I vomit out of repulsion. I vomit because I become so damn nervous. It’s like my insides are gonna detonate or something.

I’ve thought about sending him an email but that’d seem too freaky. I’ll do what I always do and just end up doing nothing about it and pray that he asks me out.

Not that, there is a God or anything.

I once tried to get ‘help’ for my shyness, but it only made things worse.

I was sent to the doctor for ‘Cognitive Behavior Therapy’ to help eliminate my negativity. It was a waste of my time. The people on the course were all phonies. They didn’t have real problems. I was the only one there who was truly alienated from the rest of society.

None of them even had the decency to ask why I felt so down. They just sat there complaining about their own problems and moaning on about how they’ve been terminally shy since they were teenagers.

If it weren’t for The Smiths I’d be dead by now. It’s so refreshing to see someone who is as socially awkward as myself and I definitely see this and so much more in Morrissey.

I love sitting in my apartment with the blinds drawn, listening to ‘I Know It’s Over’ on repeat. I do this every night instead of visiting the pub. At least with Morrissey I have a true friend. Someone who will let me down of course, but who doesn’t bullshit me into thinking otherwise.

I wouldn’t wanna meet Morrissey though, as that would end up being a crippling disappointment. He’s just another human and every single human being on the planet sucks.

I bet even Jesus Christ sucked as a human.

I hate people. I hate the outdoors. I’m tired of people telling me that I should give people a chance. I’ve already given society ample opportunity to show itself as worthwhile and it has failed each and every time.

Yes, I suffer from Social Anxiety. I’ve had it all of my life. I was bullied as a child in school and I see the evil smirk of those evil hooligans in the blank stare of every person I see in the streets.

I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t trust you, or your stupid family. I don’t trust the government. I don’t even trust my television set anymore. I’m tired of being let down by everything and everyone.