Crippling Shyness   Crippling Shyness Has Ruined My Life

I used to think that alcohol helped my shyness as it would allow me to communicate with people when I was out at the bar. However my so-called friends would ring me up next day and describe to me just how awfully drunk I was and how much crap I was talking to all of the people in the bar.

Whenever I hear this my stomach sinks and I realize that I’ve become a phony just like everyone else. The shame will then stop me from going out for the next few months. I can justify this by telling myself that I’m much better than everyone else in society but secretly I know it’s because these people are so much better than I am.

Thankfully I’ve stopped drinking now as it’s a horrible habit and it causes more problems than it helps solve.

I’ve tried this technique before and all I got at the end was a headache. Seriously, I didn’t realize I was gullible until now. The meditation CD was just comprised of new age whale music. How is that meant to solve a problem that is so deeply ingrained within someone? All it’s done is help make me believe that there is no cure at all for shyness and that I will be eternally afflicted with this cancer until my death.

Or maybe I’m just unable to meditate. When the CD asked me to ‘make my mind still’ thoughts raced inside my brain.

I don’t think meditation even really exists. The people who do ‘perform’ it are probably only asleep. Or fooling themselves. I’ll never be suckered into believing any of that new age crap.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m awful when I’m with just one person as well. I particularly hate being with a group. People’s personalities can change so much in such a short space of time as they try to fit into the group by adopting the mob mentality and it totally sucks.

People are so shallow. Why can’t they be themselves all of the time, instead of changing for other people. It’s as if these people have sold their soul just to get on with people better.

To be honest, I’m starting to think that’s what I’m gonna have to do if I want to make it past 30.  I can’t continue to be this reclusive, it’s not healthy. In fact I think I’m slowly becoming insane here.

Christ I’m so shy it’s unbearable. I haven’t had a boyfriend in an eternity and I’m tired of being alone (even though I still officially hate everyone).

I just don’t have the strength to ask anyone out. I’ve known this one boy for ages and he’s amazing. Never met anyone like him before. How the hell am I meant to express any sort of interest towards him when I feel like vomiting when I’m around him? I don’t mean I vomit out of repulsion. I vomit because I become so damn nervous. It’s like my insides are gonna detonate or something.

I’ve thought about sending him an email but that’d seem too freaky. I’ll do what I always do and just end up doing nothing about it and pray that he asks me out.

Not that, there is a God or anything.